


What I Wish I Could Say

by edenn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood Trauma, Christmas Period, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, i should study for my finals, please don't feel bad everyone's good at the end, the creator is actually suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21849952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenn/pseuds/edenn
Summary: With Christmas approaching, YangYang remembers his past, and everything linked with it.oran inner talk about abuse, abusers, and the feelings of an abuse survivor (writing to cope).
Kudos: 10





	What I Wish I Could Say

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: it's not a light-hearted work, this is a fanfiction! this is NOT real! I do not pretend to know what YangYang or any character's relationships with their family nor their upbringing are!

Finals suck. Especially when it's almost Christmas, because all you can think about is Christmas, wrapping gifts, and hoping all the trains to your hometown aren't cancelled.

But at least, you have your friends to joke with in-between exams, and an awfully lot of time to study. But instead, YangYang's mind keeps bringing him to his past. To what he heard Xiaojun say about his brother. How he wishes him to be traumatized so he'd stop being a total asshole, how they fought, how he wants him in jail. And probably - this, YangYang already forgot- how he also wishes him dead, because he's really no good, never was and never will.

As YangYang is spread across his bed, alone in his room, playing a colouring game to release some stress from the exams, he hears himself ask this to Xiaojun: "Would you go to your brother's funeral?" but he doesn't imagine an answer. He asks the same question to Kun, whose brother disappeared one day, abandonning the bakery his family saved money for. Again, he doesn't have an answer. Then, he imagine being asked the question. But not about his brother -he obviously would- but about his father. And he can't answer. And he doesn't like it. His rational side says his father really isn't that bad, just a bit of an asshole sometimes. But YangYang's feelings are strongly disagreeing. His father still haven't sent him money for the month. He still haven't told him he was abroad since October. He still haven't texted him. YangYang could have been kidnapped, or dead even, his father wouldn't know. He never texts first.

And he can't help but feel guilty thinking that way. Because his grandma told him to keep contact, no matter what, and he knows what she went through with his mother. But this is too much.

"If he doesn't even tell me he's abroad for six months, why should I attend his funeral?" his emotional side says bluntly, crossing arms on the chest.

"Everyone will think you are an ungrateful child and you'll have even less people who love you you can trust," calmly answers his trust issues, his anxiety sitting on their lap.

"If anyone mentions him during dinner, I might start to fucking cry." states his broken self, not expecting any reactions. "He hurt us so bad, and i'm tired of it. Yeah, we might be lucky to still have a father, but boi, it would be nice to have another one. Remember that tiktok of a nice guy saying he adopted all kids who didn't have a father? Yes, he is our new dad now. Yes, daddy issues, what are you gonna do about it?" he starts rambling to himself.

It's true. YangYang's father never left him. If he wasn't here, it was because of his job. He wasn't an absent figure. He just wasn't here emotionally. How many hugs he gave him after they moved to the city, YangYang can count them on his fingers. Ever since - he isn't actually sure, but it's the best he can remember without getting hurt by his scattered memories - he wore what he wanted, his father stopped acting like one. Why should he keep acting like a son?

YangYang gets up to play some music, he doesn't want to think about that any more or he'll have troubles falling asleep tonight. And he's already exhausted by his sleep cycle these past few days. Unfortunately, his thoughts -memories- can't be stopped now. So he grabs his phone and starts typing everything.

The focus isn't on his father anymore, but on his mother now. YangYang wished at least one of his parents wasn't a subtly bad one. His dad isn't a textbook abuser, he never hit him, he was just listening to his new wife who made him abuse his eldest son. But he's a bad parent, an abuser nontheless, wether YangYang finally accepts it or not. He hasn't yet, because it would hurt to do so. For now, his dad's just an asshole of a bad parent. His mother though.. she also abused him, and his sister. But since then, she stopped and changed. So he can't really say his mom is an abuser, can he? Instead he just says she used to hit them with a wooden spoon and locked them up in the basement when they were doing a scene as kids and early teens.

"You were scared for your life," whispers his recenly found trauma memory. "When she started counting.. you wanted to hide from her because you were scared, deep down in your bones. You know I'm not lying, because if it had to happen now, although you won't be scared because she's getting old, weaker and you stronger, you would still be scared. You would just not try to escape anymore because you know you can handle a few smacks with a wooden spoon."

"Do you remember that summer, when she threatened to call the cops to your grandparent's house and come take you back home herself? You were so scared, you would scan every car that could've been hers on your way to the train station."

There was no way to stop the memories now. YangYang felt himself grow anxious. If this was really what flashbacks are supposed to be, sensory, then he hated having them even more. It was like his legs were seized by fear, he could feel it in his knees suddenly going weak. His senses were telling him there was a danger, he was feeling more and more scared as minutes went by. Yet he knew he was safe. He was at his desk, in his room, a day away from his abusers. His father was still abroad, his mother wouldn't be able to leave the house because of their old dog. He was safe. So why was he feeling that way? The only answer he could think of was: trauma. 

The memory of last summer resurfaced, and as it involved Kun, the one and only person he felt safe with, he felt waves of heat go from his legs to his head. He knew _these thoughts_ would tag along. Because it involved Kun. And Kun was very dear to him. But what could he do? He needed to get everything out. So he just started bouncing his leg to try and calm down, breathing in and rubbing his face in his hands a few times.

His mother had drove all the way to Kun's parents' house - he was visiting them and invited YangYang to join him. She wanted to take YangYang back home. Kun's parents were amazing, they didn't give in to his mother's threats. He was in the garden with Kun, devoured by worries and fear. Kun had reassured him he could call the cops at any moment. YangYang wanted to go with her so she would stop with her scene, so he wouldn't annoy Kun and his parents. He was in such a distress and guilt, he couldn't even look at Kun, or his parents. But their attitude reassured him in his idea that he shouldn't go with her, that she was dangerous. Kun drove him back to his grandparents' that night. After that, YangYang tried his best to forget this evening, refusing to talk about it.

But his guilty thoughts aren't ok with it. As soon as he hear the first, whispering in his ear, hissing, he locks his phone and uses his grounding technique. Find five things he can see, four he can touch, three he can hear, two he can smell and one thing he can taste. He doesn't always do it it this exact order, but it works nontheless. And tonight isn't an exception. He repeats the technique a few times until his thoughts are calm and more peaceful. Jumping out of his bed, he stops the music, grads his hoodie and his laptop. He's gonna watch the next episode of his serie, it'll relax him and help him get his mind of od things.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a flashback, distressing thoughts and an anxiety attack while writing this, had to take a 20mn break hiding from my roommate in the toilets. But i really feel like it's important to share what abuse is and can be and what it's like when you survive it. 
> 
> Remember to drink water and go to bed early today!


End file.
